excerpt from POTS From Galilee: An Interactive Journal
It is time for me to see the me that other people see.
In my life, people have always told me how smart I was, how I would be great one day, how I would be rich. Yet, inside of me I was plagued by insecurities. Nothing I did was good enough. No matter how hard I tried my own poor self-esteem would not let me see what lied within. Though I enjoyed brief moments of adequacy, being a pessimistic person by nature, the devil used that to my own demise. But change is inevitable. In order to go somewhere you have never been, you have to do something you have never done. Thus, every negative attack of the enemy had to be counteracted with a positive statement (the Word of God). I was my own worst enemy. My challenge came not from without, but from within. I was dying from the inside out. The devil did not have to use other people to attack me because I was killing myself from within. Fear, past failures, and frailties created a wall so high that there was no way around it. So, if you can’t get over it, and you can’t go under it, you have to go through it. This wall would have to be broken head on.
Yes, sometimes we try to pray our way out of situations, but there are certain things that we have to go through. There is a lesson to learn that can only be learned with endurance. You might have to break the wall down, brick by brick. Each brick represents your past, even dating back to your family lineage. But, part of the deliverance process entails that you do something, not just wait on God to magically make everything disappear. This is a full frontal attack. It is hard work to build a wall and sometimes even harder to tear it down. You can not get tired and quit. You have to want it to come down. Even at your most tired, vulnerable point, you have to have that tenacious fight so embedded that you still will not quit.
It is not an easy task, but the real question is, how bad do you want it? When you get desperate for a thing; when you get sick and tired of being sick and tired, then you will do what it takes to get to where you are trying to go. There in is the real question. Do I want this bad enough that I will continue to fight through any obstacle, great or small, that may come my way, even if they come from within? If the answer is no, then you are not ready. Until you are ready, there is nothing anyone can do. They can tell you, you are beautiful till they are blue in the face, but until you stop telling yourself you are ugly and replace those words with, ‘I am beautiful,’ you will not see results.
It is time for me to see me the way God sees me.
Everything that we need lies in the Word of God. We can find out who we are within its pages. He reveals to us just how much power we have in and through Him. He does not look at where we are now, but where we are going. So we have to mock Him. If His Word says that “I am the head and not the tail” (and it does), then I say ‘I am the head and not the tail.’ It must come from your mouth and be embedded into your mind, your heart, and your spirit. How do we do that? Just the same way you learn anything else: through experience and repetition. I am a firm believer that pastors spend most of their time trying to convince people that they are what the Word says they are and that they can have what it says they can have. Yet, we do not believe. If we did then we would not act the way we do; we would not talk the way we talk; we would not settle for less that what God has assured us.
Now, I must be real transparent for a minute. People tell me that I am spoiled. And I must agree that I am. But, to an extent, I do not believe, as it pertains to spiritual things and the things of God, that there is anything wrong with that. In the natural spoil means that I want what I want when I want it. But, when we turn that thing around and present it in the spirit it says, I want what God wants me to have and I can have what He wants me to have. And it should rightfully be so. If a father promises his son some candy, he will want what the father has promised. But what do we do? We say, “I know that God has a future and a hope for me, but…” There we go again, talking ourselves out of destiny. People of great faith do not end on a negative, but on a positive. “…but God will supply all of my needs according to His riches in glory.” “I am sick right now, but with His stripes I am healed.” We must nail the pages of “habilitating talk” to the wall and plow straight through it.
Build up resistance. Part of the growth process is that more strength is gained. Each time we put a chisel to the wall, we build more muscle. One important fact is the wider the wall, the more it is going to take to get through it. But, it is doable. You might have to talk to yourself and do a “self check,” but whatever you have to do, do not quit. There is a lot vested inside of you and God is waiting on the return. We must realize that our lives are not our own; we have been bought with a price. There is too much at stack. Too much time, money, tears, and blood was shed just to get here, for you to die now. It is time to tear down the wall. Even though your wall may be fortified and mine may be three bricks deep, there is still some struggle that is required. Wherever you are, use what you have. Do what you have to do to get to where you need to go (to the other side of the wall).
Myron Krys. “The Wall (Part I).” In POTS From Galilee: An Interactive Journal. 63-68. Decatur: Myron Krys Publishers, 2010.